Just because the title of this post says 'a broken heart', I'm not talking about some lover-relationship bullshit now.
Things are going pretty bad recently and for a person who holds back mostly everything, it is mentally draining, exhausting and.. Well, it was horrible.
2 Days ago, I was just waking up and it's one of those ordinary morning. I had plans to meet a friend that day but somehow when I woke up, I didn't feel like going anywhere. So, I canceled and stayed home.
I grabbed my blackberry, walked downstairs, made breakfast, turned the TV on. As I was enjoying my morning, got a BBM from my sister. She was terribly upset, she told me that something came up. Long story short, there's been some family issues.
Have you read my recent posts? I told you that I'm feeling content lately, right? Because finally, I found the most comfort zone ever. My family. Not that I'm not comfort being around my family before, it's just that this time, it was perfect. I am happy being around them. Its my fortress of safety.
A sudden shocked, panicked and I refused to believe of what was happening. Once again, I tried to hold back my emotions, I refuse to jumped into conclusions. I calmed myself down, tried to find distractions, etc. But I'm triggered, all the emotions I held back months earlier was bursting out. I started crying all day. The point is, my comfort zone has failed me. Big times. And somehow, between all those miserable feelings, you're the one I think about, you're the one I want to pour all my problems to. Then again, I held back. Decided to put the idea of looking-for-you, aside.
I've been crying for 3 days nonstop now. Getting better tho. And all the issues that came up has been.. Well, consider it done. Still, feels awkward.
Do you ever feel like you don't know where you stand? The last 2 days I don't know what I'm doing or supposed to be doing, I don't know where to go, I don't know who to tell, what to tell. It feels incredibly lonely. I have my friends, being there and listening, comforting and giving solutions but deep down its like you're in a crowded place and you're still lonely. That's why I can't stop crying because the first time in my life, I don't feel comfort and save anywhere. I panicked.
Its a new form of broken heart. You know, right now just to think about it, my eyes is glimmering with tears. Oh God..
I'm trying so hard to be strong in any crappy situation. So hard. But I feel like everything is turning my back on me. I haven't stopped praying for strength, optimism, patience and I tried to keep my faith up high. Yet I still feel miserable.
Okay, I'm gonna stop this right now because I started to whine. I hate whining, it shows weakness.
I don't know. I just need to win. Win over something stupid or something I've been longing for. To feel that joyous glory, utter happiness. I need comfort and save.
Can you give me that, whoever you are?