on things i recently feel

i feel i'm not doing my best, i.e work related. feels like not showing any progress, the harder i try to move forward, i'm moving backwards instead (does this means i shouldn't even try?). this makes me feels like a s-p-o-i-l-e-d brat, but sometimes i just feel that everything is O VE R W H ELM I N G. and it leads me to feel that i don't belong, feels like i am NOT meant to be a writer, because lately i no longer feel that joy and excitement when writing. i feel i don't have the capability to create a good story/good design/good photograph. i feel like i'm losing my touch in almost everything.  

i feel childish and selfish and insensitive most of the time, tough i am grateful for being able to control my anger sometimes, unlike i used to. which is a good thing. i feel like my family is having a hard time but content at the same time. i feel i'm ignoring them, not giving them my best. that makes me sad.

i feel confused about what major should i take for my master degree, but i feel like i don't want a master degree and i "want" it because my parents "want" me to have master degree (though they definitely want whats best for me; always). i feel like i want to have master degree to prove myself that i CAN have a master degree because i am a responsible human being and i'm not here just to have fun. i feel like i'm obliged to have a master degree.

i feel terrified that some people trust me to do something that i feel i am not able to do/give my best. i don't like the responsibility but i feel that it's one of the things that's given to you whether you like it or not. have a strong feeling that one day i'll become what i destine to become, whether it's a yoga expert, author, photographer, letterer, even a housewife :)

and last, above all.. I FEEL LOVED, and it's been an amazing great feeling, beating all my insecurities. though he's a thousand miles away, but i feel like what we have is simple and beautiful and amazing and healthy and i like it. i feel like this is the best relationship so far. feeling so lucky to have met him in the most perfect time of my life.  time where i realize to stop fooling around and start taking my life seriously. and i love how open and understanding he is that i feel like i can say anything about my feelings and the fact that what i think/feel matters to him so much. i feel like i keep wanting to be a better person, for him, but mostly for myself.

thanks, love :)

Sat 5:54 PM

just finished my saturday homework; health articles in bahasa and english (pheww)
need to shower and wash hair
waiting for my pick up ride for ice cream night (come to mama, you delicious green tea ice cream)
a lot of things happened this week
still can't believe certain things, but i know its for the better
doubting self
still curious about something ha ha
if i met me, i would think of me as.. deadpan?
rrr..
been listening to Voyeur for ~329 times in 3 days
miss graphic design.. 
miss making things w my bare hands; painting, crafting, etc
really need to shower right now
wtf
miss my girls
craving brownies w ice cream
somehow this relaxes me
writing in sections
when will i... ?
feel satisfied in not finishing sentence
last night was fun
still thinking about mango smoothie from restaurant menu
curious and curiouser
yea.. definitely need to shower right now

sooooooooooooooo good.

to my dearest merman

list of things i've been missing lately:

-drawing
-painting
-watercolor paint
-long meaningless telephone conversation
-sleepovers
-heart to heart conversation while facing traffic with girlfriends
-nap
-wandering at the mall; at noon
-a companion
-a pet dog
-batman; my pet dog
-neck massage
-swimming in the open sea
-deep honest conversation
-long hair
-48kg; bring my 2009 body back puhlease
-passion in photography; totally lost it now
-curiosity
-taking risks
-sing along xmas carol with girlfriends while cruisin' the city; night time
...

i don’t like how people change. 

how once you knew them so closely and somehow you drift apart. one day you meet them and they've changed. i don’t like it. it’s like you wasted an amount of time trying to get to know this person, and now you have to do it all over again because they’ve changed to a completely new human being. 

but then i think, what if there’s someone think about that about me? what if they don’t like me because i’ve changed?

i guess people change and there’s nothing we can do about it. they change and it’s your decision to keep them in your loop or to let go. people change whether you like it or not. for the better.


have you ever question something and you think and you think and you over think about it then finally you answer it yourself? seem strange to me.

2.30 PM

So I went to someone's baby shower with my family. There was this super delicious chocolate cake. It was huge and I can't stop eating.

When it's time for us to go home, I took a grey puppy with me. Hid it behind my long brown jacket. It was the cutest pug I've ever seen. 'I have to take him home with me', I think.

Just as we entered the car, I noticed a big black sky above us, kinda like storm sky. It was coming down, making a huge swirl. It became one massive tornado.

Then it started raining. The tornado was chasing our car. Dad drove insanely fast. I held the baby pug in my arms, closely to my heart.

I was checking my phone and I can see from the screen clearly, the tornado was just a kilometer away right behind our car. I screamed to my dad. He stepped on the gas.

The tornado kept chasing, but we managed to get away.

We took a left turn, but now the tornado is in front of our car. Destroyed everything that gets in it's way.
But then it got smaller and smaller and smaller until it vanish completely. 

Just when the tornado vanished, it turned into a pile of novels about cats. Laying there neatly in the middle of the road, kinda like some display at the book store.

I woke up.

Jesus, help.

I don't know how to.. I can't even..

Have you ever enter a room or introduce to a person and you get this.. vibe? 
Like some sort of negative feeling, like you don't want to be in that room or you don't want to know/make any interaction with this person. 
Have you ever feel that?

That negative aura of someone/something/some place..

Horrible. The first thing I want to do if I ever be in that situation is take a long bath. 
Cold bath with lots of soap. 
I guess if I take a long soapy bath, I can get rid of that horrendous feeling. 
At least that's what I picture in my mind.

Well.. Imagine that situation is happening to you, everyday. 
Every 
single 
day
in your 24 years of life.

My friends and my job are the only getaway card. But somehow that makes me sad, because..

…

Feel like not continuing this post. Every time I think about it, it suffocates me.

Okay, wish you have a beautiful life all.

First Table

1:52

Feels like I'm sitting here, reading an article.. but I'm not here. My mind's not here. It wander off somewhere into subconscious.

So many what ifs I've been thinking lately. They told me not to think negative but why is it easier to think negative than to think positive? 

Effort, Daisy. Everything needs effort. And process. 

Why can't I just think about what I want to think, without worrying whether it will affect the universe to affect my life or not? Of course I want to be happy, everybody wants to.

But sometimes life is unfair and there's nothing we can do but to accept it, right? 

Today I'm sitting here, feeling nothing. I wouldn't say 'same shit different day' but it is. Same stuff, different day. 

Who knows where I'll be a year from now. Who knows what will happen 3 years from now.

--

I am not sad nor I am happy. I feel.. what? What do I feel?

How do you know when you know that you already know what you want out of life? I change my mind constantly. Today I want this, but tomorrow I want that. And it is so hard to focus on one thing when you change your mind constantly.

Sometimes I feel 24hours is not enough.. Because I want to do everything.

Easy On Sunday..

Today's plan :

• Getting my haircut
• Getting wax
• Church 

Instead of doing that, I am now :

• Laying in bed 
• Getting warm under my blanket
• Eating my last minilovebites cupcake; choco salted caramel walnut - so good!
• Listening to Pinchy and Friends' Marvelous Moon Dance playlist from moi Merman - so good!

It's been raining all day and there's no place better than bed.
Can't believe Sunday's almost over, so not ready for Monday, traffic, work, traffic, traffic, traffic, traffic!

Oh dear God, please show me Your way.. Get me out of this rotten city ;(

Been dreaming/picturing/imagining a lot about what my life would be outside from this city. Will I ever get out of here?